School starts in the morning and I am so excited. I finally feel as though I am getting back on track. I’m so happy to be back in school! I want a degree so badly and I feel blessed to be given this opportunity. I was so worried about financial aid. I severely fucked up the last time I attended Central so I thought for sure they were gonna make me pay for a quarter. Thank you President Obama for fattening up the Pell Grants and giving people from a lower-income bracket a chance to go to college.
I am still really upset about Barbara. I want to eat, but I’ve been going for walks instead. Whatever like it matters. I still feel like shit. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. My roommate says I’ve been up and down and it’s because I’m bi-polar. I’m like no it’s not. I take meds and they steady my mood. I’m up and down with you because I don’t know if I like you or not. Something has come up and I may be in the position to move into my own apartment with no roommate. On Capitol Hill which would be very cool when it comes to school. Hopefully everything will work out.
I just feel lonely. I need a man. I never thought I would utter those words. I know the man I want. The man I need. Can’t shake it. I don’t even want to meet anyone else. I just want him.
Today I lifted up my shirt and I noticed for the first time I’ve lost weight. I actually saw it. It’s one thing for people to tell you, quite another for you to see it for yourself. I do notice that my face is a lot thinner. I’m really pleased as I have been working my ass off. I’m bummed that the weather is gonna get worse and I’ll have to go back to the gym. I hate working out at the gym. It’s so boring. I love being out in nature. Staring at the trees and the sky. Daydreaming. Plotting my next writing project.
Oh, I got financial aid! I’m so relieved! I really need to be in school. It starts on Monday. I’m taking a full course load. I’m excited to be in school after such a long procrastination. But I’m doing it for Barbara. And for me.
The man told me that he may have good news regarding a hip-hop writing project that I can be in on. I’m so excited but the last time he mentioned getting me on a radio show to discuss music, he failed to follow thru. So we’ll see what happens.
It’s funny that with Barbara dying that a bunch of new things are starting to happen in my life. Maybe it’s true what they say. The lord doesn’t close a door without opening a window.
So I have been pretty upset about Barbara these past couple of days. I haven’t been drinking or smoking weed so I’ve been dealing with the raw emotions. I have been crying and writing. The goods news is that I haven’t been turning to food for comfort either. All day I’ve been “hungary” and seeking solace in the refrigerator or cupboards. But I have stopped myself from bingeing. Something has held me back and I think it’s the progress I have made in my weight loss goals. I also know that stuffing my face is not going to take away the pain of losing Barbara. I did however lie in bed until 2 o’clock thinking about things. I stayed up until 4am last nite thinking. This has got to stop! I need to get on a better sleep schedule.
As for the boy, he totally made my day today. Laughter really is the best medicine! And I made him laugh not the other way around. I need him in my life and if all that is for now is on facebook then I have to accept that.
As for my feelings about my life, Barbara and him, it’s what Lauryn Hill says: “Everything is everything. What is meant to be will be. After winter must come spring. Change comes eventually.”
Here I am binging at McDonald’s. I haven’t binged in a long time. It’s not with out cause though.
I stopped by the office of my former employer-the best job I ever had until I fucked it up. Over coffee with my old boss Bob I learned of the status of my mentor Barbara who is dying of ovarian cancer. I last saw her in July when I went to her house for a BBQ. She looked terrible and while we discussed books and politics her impending death was definitely the elephant in the room. I have been trying to get a hold of her recently to see how she’s doing and to spend time with her. She hasn’t been returning my phone calls and since she knows I don’t handle rejection well, I made the conclusion that she is not doing well. Bob confirmed this. She hasn’t been responding to the chemo and she probably doesn’t have a lot of time.
I’ve been preparing for her death since April. That’s when I found out her cancer came back and it was terminal. To be honest I knew she was going to die when she was first diagnosed a couple of years back. Call it a sixth sense or intuition if you will.
The point is that I am devastated. She means so much to me. I didn’t realize how tightly she had wrapped herself around my heart until I learned she was going to die. She has been my greatest champion for the past ten years. I have sat many of times in her office crossing the line of an employer/employee relationship by pouring out my soul to her, tears included. She always waited patiently, calmly, for me to figure out my mistakes and then teaching me the lesson.
I’ve been trying to not think about her situation. In fact I have been running from it. Then on a day like today I get smacked in the face with reality. And so here I am stuffing my face with cheeseburgers and fries to numb myself from this pain. Eating to fill the void. The void being Barbara and our relationship that will soon go away.
I had a dream about him last nite. In the dream I was trying to show him my writing and he rejected me. I woke up feeling depressed. I lay in bed for several hours and I didn’t want to get out of bed. Not just because of him but because I feel lonely. My closest friends don’t live where I live and the grace period with my roommate has officially ended. I can’t stand her but I only pay $350 a month for rent and since I decided to give up working to pursue school full-time.
School starts in 10 days and I am freaking out because I have yet to hear from financial aid. What will I do without school? I don’t want to prolong it another quarter, I’ve been putting it off for years. Fucking around and not taking my life seriously. And now I am and it’s totally up to someone else. I am afraid they are going to say no due to the fact that I was fucking around the last quarter I was school, in fact I had to pay back a few hundred dollars.
As for the boy, I have to keep writing about him until he’s out of my system. And until I meet a man as cool as he is. Like I know how cool he is anymore. “Cuz it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again…….”
The other week I was feeling a little desperate for sex and so I browsed Craigs List for men looking for a BBW. Big Beautiful Woman. I saw this hot guy who posted an add along with his phone number so you could text him. So I texted him and sent him a photo. He said he was looking for a long-term relationship which I thought was a crock of shit. No man is looking for that on Craig’s List. He kept calling me hun, which got on my fucking nerves. I mean how gross is that?
He paid me a compliment by telling me I didn’t look like a BBW but then requested a photo of a full body shot. When I asked him his name I got no response. Normally I would have complied but something held me back. I realized that I just didn’t want to down that road. I want to meet a man in a normal way. Men rarely hit on me though. I want to be in love, I want to be in a relationship. Both things I’ve never had.
The only person I want doesn’t want me. It is so hard being friends with him on Facebook and knowing that he dates drama filled ghetto bitches. I have really exposed myself raw to him by letting him read my other blog. I don’t know why I need his validation-he’s not giving it me in any way other than saying: “I’m glad your writing about your experiences.” Not good. This man is all I think about. Never in my life has a man consumed my thoughts so much. It started in May when we last spoke. I know what your thinking cuz I think it too. May?? There’s nothing to be had, get over it! The thing is that I have this hope. Even I after I logically talked to myself about the situation. Why am I so caught up? It’s not like I can’t get anyone else, hence the Craigs List guy. My brother thinks he’s an asshole and that I’m an asshole for caring.
So today I went shopping because all of my clothes are baggy and low and behold: I dropped a size! I feels amazing. I’ve been putting in work! Although I’m now down to a size 18 I have to say I feel like a size 16. I only bought a couple of things because I hope to do down another size and I don’t want to commit.
I’ve been thinking about relationships lately. I go back and forth between desperately wanting to be in one to not wanting to be in one at all. My past record shows me falling for my closest male friend only to be rejected in the end and the friendship imploding. I think I’m hung up on that romantic fantasy of friends turning into lovers. I think I just wanted someone who knows me inside by getting to know me without romantic obligations and after discovering I’m a rare and wonderful being. Then decides that he can’t live without me, comes to my house in the dead of night, in the pouring down rain, where he proceeds to tell me soaking wet with his hand covering his heart that he’s in love with me, can’t live without me. Then we proceed to have the most mind-blowing sex where I cum at least 5 times.
Is it no wonder that I’m still single? But it’s a healthy fantasy. Maybe finding someone isn’t about weight our looks. Maybe it’s all about confidence. That look you get in your eye when your truly happy. I notice that is when I get a response from the opposite sex. Hmmm……..