Here I am binging at McDonald’s. I haven’t binged in a long time. It’s not with out cause though.
I stopped by the office of my former employer-the best job I ever had until I fucked it up. Over coffee with my old boss Bob I learned of the status of my mentor Barbara who is dying of ovarian cancer. I last saw her in July when I went to her house for a BBQ. She looked terrible and while we discussed books and politics her impending death was definitely the elephant in the room. I have been trying to get a hold of her recently to see how she’s doing and to spend time with her. She hasn’t been returning my phone calls and since she knows I don’t handle rejection well, I made the conclusion that she is not doing well. Bob confirmed this. She hasn’t been responding to the chemo and she probably doesn’t have a lot of time.
I’ve been preparing for her death since April. That’s when I found out her cancer came back and it was terminal. To be honest I knew she was going to die when she was first diagnosed a couple of years back. Call it a sixth sense or intuition if you will.
The point is that I am devastated. She means so much to me. I didn’t realize how tightly she had wrapped herself around my heart until I learned she was going to die. She has been my greatest champion for the past ten years. I have sat many of times in her office crossing the line of an employer/employee relationship by pouring out my soul to her, tears included. She always waited patiently, calmly, for me to figure out my mistakes and then teaching me the lesson.
I’ve been trying to not think about her situation. In fact I have been running from it. Then on a day like today I get smacked in the face with reality. And so here I am stuffing my face with cheeseburgers and fries to numb myself from this pain. Eating to fill the void. The void being Barbara and our relationship that will soon go away.