Today I borrowed a copy of a back issue of People magazine from my neighbor. On the cover is 50 most amazing bodies. Of course only one person with my type of body could be found. As I get thinner and move towards the standard of beauty that plagues our society I realized that I have been doing everything in my power since I got fat to not be like them. I’ve stayed fat no matter what the cost to me. Be it physical, emotional or spiritual. I’ve hidden inside this fat suit to keep people away. Mostly men I think. I’ve never wanted to be a model, I just always wanted to be thin, but would do the exact opposite and stay fat not matter how much I hated it. I remember that I started getting fat when I was 8. There was a lot of stuff going on at home and I would use food to cope with my feelings. I would try to fill up the void with food and I’ve been doing it since then. The question now becomes how do I deal with my feelings without turning to food for comfort? I think I have been doing a great job these days of not doing it. I’ve been filling the void by working out, reading and writing. It also helps that I’m cash strapped these days and can longer afford binges.
The summer just ended and once again I was fat. I made a goal for myself that I want to spend the 30th birthday not a size 20. I was a size 16 when I lived in LA and I garnered a lot of attention. My hope is that when my birthday rolls around in December I will be a size 16 again. Maybe even a 14. As for next summer, I’m not trying to get into a bikini or anything. I just want to feel confident enough to go swimming with out a T-Shirt on.