Why is it for every woman the worst thing to be is fat? The worst thing to be is me as I am right now. I am the worst thing to be. You know how I am sure of this? Because the diet industry makes billions a year. Slim fast, nutri-system, jenny craig, weight watchers. I’ve never tried any of them and I don’t plan to. I know if I eat in moderation and exercise, the weight will come off. I probably shouldn’t drink like I do either, but that’s a different matter entirely.
What I need to stop focusing on is how I equate thinness with love. I just want someone to look into my eyes and see me not just my body. I know that is asking the world to change its course, but fuck it. I think I’ve stayed fat to keep love away. Nothing keeps a man away like a fat body. I’m terrified of that kind of intimacy. Someone knowing everything about me and loving me anyway. I know I deserve that in theory, but it’s hard to get a handle on.
I don’t know what this weight loss quest is really about. Is it for me? Or for some man whose face I’ve never seen. What is so wrong with this fat girl? She has an amazing personality and a great sense of humor. Did I mention a pretty face? All I know is that I’m lonely and for the first time I’m actually dealing with it instead of stuffing my face with food to numb myself to my emotions.