Sometimes I feel utterly helpless when it comes to my eating disorder-overeating. I have been filling the void with food since the third grade. Candy, soda-food. Being made fun of. Stuffing myself more and more with food. Completely out of control. My mother not knowing what to do.
I’ve spent most of my life overweight. Trapped in the fat suit. I am so angry with myself. I bitch and moan about the weight but I’m doing very little when it comes to combating it. I did lose a lot of weight and I am pissed that I have to start all over again. I have gone off track and I need to get the drive and motivation to get back to where I was. I need courage again, support and me loving myself.
Life has passed me by in the fat suit. Gaining weight, losing weight. Depression…..Hopelessness….FEAR. I hide and I eat. Hoping to get filled up. The worst thing a woman can be is fat. I have been fat since the third grade. I am now 31. What would happen to me if I lost all of the weight. Will I be noticed when I just want to hide? Will my emotional problems go away? That is a lot of expectations based on the number on the scale. Putting happiness in the basket with being thin is pretty destructive. There are live grenades in that basket. I have spent so much time hating myself. Wasted time. It has gotten in the way of many things. For some reason I can’t let it go. I see myself as a child when it started. When I started to comfort myself with food. There have been times when I felt so ashamed of myself and feeling unable to leave my house. I think that everyone has a vice. A secret thing that they do to combat emotions. Mine is food and it translates to my body and I can’t hide it.
Lately I have been really depressed about situations in my life. I have been overeating. Trying to stuff away my feelings with pizza, soda, candy and whatever is on hand. Gorging myself on food in the middle of the night.
I thought that having a boyfriend would make me happy and for the most part it does. Living in my fat suit, pushing men away. I think that for a long time I was afraid of being with a man. This person knowing all of my secrets and loving me for me. I pushed the thought out of my mind even though this is all I ever wanted.
Lately I’ve ben either eating very little or over eating. My emotions have been up and down. I am stuffing my face with food. Filling the void. Sadness, heartache. Today I ate an extra value meal at McDonald’s and three slices of pizza. Finally I find myself in a relationship and I have barriers that go up when trust has been violated. It’s hard to trust when your man calls you a “fat bitch” or a “worthless girl”. I spend too much time thinking these thoughts myself and this man loves me? Wanting to scream my head off.
I hurt so bad. These past couple of weeks have been really hard for me. The case of the ex-girl friend. I already feel insecure. I don’t know how to tell him that he is hurting m. That I want it to stop. Most of the time I hide inside myself and I don’t respond. I eat and I don’t want to. All I want is to be a size 16 again. I got there and gained it back. I have lost no weight and I need to get into that frame of mind again. I want to cry.
Good news dear reader. I got the man! Seriously. It’s on some Romeo and Juliet type of shit. You know what trait I despise in others? Racism. Nothing is worse than a racist.. The ultimate sin is to be ashamed of your skin. I feel compelled to share that with you because the world is shrinking and we are more connected than ever before. Religion and ideology, the ism’s that make for huge complications, especially when it comes to love. I think that you should just follow your heart and see where it takes you. When you met the one you will know. You just feel lit and it consumes you. The is person is all you do and all you think about. All day everyday. The type of person you don’t want to get out bed with. I actually got what I wanted. In every possible sense and while that does not make me a smug bitch, I just feel lucky to have found someone who is fuckin ill. Oh, I forgot to mention that he has a beautiful daughter. Kid’s are great. The key to children is just remembering that you used to be one. That’s all you need to know. The are perceptive. The are on some subtle shit. But most people are. They want you to figure them out. Detail by detail. Clue by clue. Cuz really it’s all about the little things and the joy they bring. When it comes to my favorite show Sex and the City, I’m Carrie all the way. Looking for love. The thing about it is that they more you say you don’t want something, like children, the more you need it. It wasn’t even about Mr. Big. He was an asshole. masochistic. It was always about Aidan. He was the one. And if you hadn’t that out by watching the show, the you better go back and watch it again. Who wants “Just Us”. I mean isn’t the whole point to life is having descendents? To carry on your name and your history? I held on to my name for a long time. It’s unique.Only one other person in my family, Brian has the same last name and I figured it was important to carry on the tradition on having it. When your name becomes lost like the way the wind sweeps across the desert you forget who you are and your purpose. And I don’t ever want to be like that. Things are not black and white. We all live in the grey. Whether we are justified in what we do or clever enough to leave no traces. The problem with the man and me wasn’t us. I thought it was because he was a jew. Naw, it was because he’s white and I’m black. And seriously no wonder why our favorite movie is A Bronx Tale. But we didn’t know that about each other. I had a dream about my father and I sat on his lap, whispered into his ear and told him all about this person. I used to love sitting in my father’s lap. It’s where I felt the most safe. He just has a way you know. I was whispering in his ear and telling him all about this person. And I thought my dad would have a problem with him because he’s a jew. Nope. Not at all. There is a huge misconception out there that blacks hate jews. Justifiably or not. I won’t get into that here because that is so not the point. I’ve spent most of my life searching for my father. Trying to figure out who he is and what he was about. Now that I got all of the facts it’s no fucking wonder why things have transpired they way that they have when it comes to US. It makes me so sad to think that you would deny your child true love over fucking race. IT pretty much almost killed him. metaphorically and literally.
I prayed to the Virgin Mary every night. Begging her to intercede on my behalf and tell god I was in love. And I’m funny when it comes to god. I don’t pray that often. Since May when I last heard his voice I’ve been listening to Ava Maria by Aaron Neville. Hail Mary full of grace please hear this maiden’s prayer. Tell God I am in love. That I would do anything for it. I would live in a fucking shanty town in Johannesburg to be with this man. I always had hope though, even when things were not good between us. Or I perceived them to be not good. I never thought I’d fall so hard for someone. To be at the mercy of a man. I’m fiercely independent and I enjoy freedom. All the examples of love that are set forth are not what I’m about. Seriously Romantic movies have killed romance it’s self. They set you up for a fall and that is why the divorce rate is so high. The put these huge expectations on the relationship. Also weddings are a problem. People spend so much time planning the one day. One day! Then they wonder why their marriage falls apart. Because they don’t spend that kind of time and intimacy on the actual relationship itself. Don’t get me wrong I like a good chick flick, but not often. The only one that stands out is Pride and Prejudice (how appropriate) and at the end when Mr. Darcy tells Elizabeth Bennett those fatal words that will bring any woman to her knees. “I love, love, love you and I never wish to be parted from you from this day forward.” Or something to that effect. And I love that line not because I saw the movie, but because I read the fucking book! I always knew in my heart that I would only fall in love once and it would be forever. I was in lust with other people. But never in love, truly. I think that’s why I felt so crazy all of the time when it comes to this man. If only he could see into me. When we met I sized him up and I sized him up right. But he’s the type of man who is on some subtle shit and I like that. It turns me on. I’m a Sagittarius, flakey true, but we are so optimistic. We like the chase. And all the other times when I’ve been in lust and I’ve perceived to get what I wanted, not what I needed mind you. I got bored, quickly. He does not bore me. When I lived in L.A. in 2007 and I went to a tarot card reader in Venice Beach. Although I had no money to pay he read me my fortune anyway. I asked the question, “Will I ever fall in love?” He said yes and with a cancer. Your soul mate will be a cancer. He was totally right. They are on opposite sides of the Zodiac. They balance and harmonize each other. For me I’ve been always been searching for the balance within myself. Working out all of the kinks before I could even think of being in a healthy relationship with someone else. It took major self-reflection and therapy. My girlfriends always thought this was strange but I know myself. I know that in order for me to find the balance with someone else. I had to look for it within.
He’s way smarter than I am and I totally respect that. What he needs from me is really none of your business. I just have this blind faith and total trust and I believe in him. I think that is what he needs. I mean isn’t that what we all need from the person that we are in any kind of relationship with be it sexual or friendship. I always knew that I would only fall in love once and it would be forever. ONCE in a lifetime. You find the one that you truly love. It’s like that EMINEM song:
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime
Until next time. Peace.
Sorry I have been neglectful dear reader. I’ve had a busy couple of weeks back at school and well trippin out inside of my head. It was kind of fun though, I can’t lie. What if the person you thought you were in love with turned out to be someone else? I’m just putting the question to you. That’s what it has felt like this past few days. I need him. And I’m angry with him for the fucking game.
It’s 2am and I have to be up in seven hours. I’m happy to be back in school. It’s been a great couple of days. I hate Facebook. Seriously. It is so fucking fake. I’m friends with people on there from the past. Which is exactly where I should have left them. People are only concerned with getting their friends number up. I know who truly cares about me because they are the only people who comment on a regular basis. The rest are shit. I need to back the fuck off of there for a while. On the real.
I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I feel like I have a new beginning but someone whom I love is dying. The yin and the yang. I ate five slices of pizza today and I didn’t work out. I could care less about it. I haven’t had pizza in so long! It was a great indulgence.
I am so over my roommate and her self-created dramas. Her car got impounded and she wants me to lend her 300 bucks to get it out. It’s only been in there one day. I doubt it even costs that much to get it out of there. Her and her loser boyfriend that she has to constantly give money to. She’s sleeping on the couch right now because she has no bed in her room. That gets old. Plus the bitch got paid yesterday and she has no money. Jesus. The worst part is that I make so much less than she does and she has the balls to ask me for money. The good news is that my background check cleared for that apartment and I’m going next week to take a look at it. I feel bad because I know if I move out she’ll be screwed but I really can’t take the bullshit anymore.
I’m tired. I guess I should sleep now. Fuck I want some pot. I could have smoked at 11 and went to bed then.